I don’t feel like doing this living thing anymore.
Like no I’m not suicidal, not at all, I’m just so done with using my muscles to move or even to stay still and done with thinking and done with fucking blinking and looking at anything and done with feeling things and also done with not feeling things and done with breathing while my throat hurts and overall so fucking done with all that has to do with existing.
Ok. So for the first time ever, i started seeking help on my own. Not anyone getting to know about my depression by accident, nor letting myself get to a really really bad point before trying to get help.
I told my mom. Not straight up, but still. She answered with a sad face an that’s all the support I got from her.
I told my dad. That I’m tired of this circle. That I’m tired of being sick, then getting better and getting used to being better, getting used to things like showering not being a big deal and being happy and fine.
And how sick and tired I am at failing all over again. The insomnia getting worse, getting depression again. Being sick and tires all the time, bad enough to not being able to get out of bed. That I feel pathetic because of it.
And he told me IT’S BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I WANT and that it’s my own fault and I’m acting childish.
Also that I’m being too big of a liability.
Gee. Thanks a lot.
I think I’m starting to get depressed again. After all this back and forth -shit, after all these times I can’t help but notice the signs.
First sleeping at night got really difficult - even with meds.
I started feeling low.
Then I started sleeping again. Pretty much all I do is sleep or lie in my bed watching sit comes. That’s all I got energy left for. I go to school when I can and I’m fine for the day but when I get home I can’t make myself do anything. Even if I wanted to do something I won’t do it ‘cause it takes too much. Too much of something that I just don’t have. Things like grocery shopping and washing my teeth get harder. It’s like, you don’t even know why but you have to use an incredible amount of energy to do things like those.
I’ve started fighting with people and later realizing I flipped out over nothing. Usually because my own insecurities that I thought I had gotten over already.
I’ve pretty much decided to cancel the whole au pair year at the states, that has been part of my life plan since I was 11. I don’t have what it takes and I can’t go there and get a phase like this. I’m not either good or well enough to do it. My life’s kind of lost it’s way.
It’s impossible to find a place where I could do my internship, it’s hard as fuck for anyone right now, there’s just not enough places. But it gets much harder when calling someone is impossible, writing an email is difficult as fuck and it’s hard to tell them how great addition to their team you would be when in fact you know you’ll just be a tired, stressed out excuse of a human being who just fucks everything up and can’t even show up at work daily.
I think there’s nothing my future can offer me when I am the way I am. And I don’t think I’m ever really going to get better. Every time I think it’s happening I end up where I started.
I’m also pretty sure I’m going to ruin my relationship because of this. I just know it.
It’s unfair as fuck.
This whole thing is unfair as duck.
I’m tired of this.
You know the feeling when you’re having fun and a really nice time and then your blood deciceds to do the thing where your sugar levels are really really high and you feel like shit and no one understands how it feels and the worst of all there’s people who THINK they know how you feel but they fucking don’t and they say something stupid as then you just end up crying alone in your room and feeling so sick you wanna die
FUCKING A ISN’T IT? Cc:
You know what’s the worst thing about anxiety?
It makes you feel like you want to die when you know that you actually don’t
But you can’t help but fucking feel it
And tell yourself that the feelings are wrong
‘Cause you want to go on and experience a million different things and see a million more and you want to smile and feel and cry and fight
But it doesn’t fucking matter ‘cause you can’t help the feelings
And it’s not fair
I’m not depressed anymore, i don’t want to die anymore. And that’s good. That’s great. I’m proud if myself for that. But this makes me feel like I’m loosing my mind.
I was fucking okay. I was so fucking okay for a while. I did well. I was able to take care of school, to take care of my life. I was feeling good. I was happy. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I liked my life, I liked myself.
……… until my meds stopped working.
So, here we go again with chronic insomnia.
Fuck. Fucking fuck. I’m not sure if I can handle this again.
And I can’t get a doctors appointment ‘till two months from now ‘cause they’re so damn busy
do you fucking idiots realize that two months of that shit all over again, just weeks after I thought I was getting better, is way too long time for me to handle this by myself without a) going fucking insane and getting hallucinations and shit like that again and being seriously fucked up b) ending up dead
My parents are yelling at me for being sad ‘cause two of the most important people in my life tried to kill themselves. Another one is surely going to try again, other one had liver and brain damage and lost most of her emotional connections to people and some of her memories.
”Anybody would be pissed of if they had to see someone frowning and crying at their house all the fucking week”
AND HE FUCKING KNOWS WHAT’S HAPPENED.
Also, that I’m depressed and most of the time I can just manage to hide it.
Gosh, I hate living here.
I’m not sure at all if I can take this.
There are four people who mean everything to me. The most important people in my life. Two of them wants to die. They’ve both tried to kill themselves more than ones in last couple of months. Other one of them tried to suicide yesterday.. she luckily failed. One of them is starting to have some kind of eating disorder. She’s obsessed with her weight and thinks she’s fat even though she’s skinny as a stick. One of them is fine most of the time, thank god. But… sdfghsdfgh.
I’m depressed and have anxiety myself. Oh, good luck surviving.
I feel things in a big way. When I’m sad, it qualifies as depression. When I’m happy I dance and I sing and I smile at strangers without realizing. I fall for people easily; it doesn’t take much to get me head over heals for someone. My feelings are huge, always. I’ve been wondering about how it is even possible. My dreams are big and I feel huge empathy for people I don’t even know. Making someone, anyone smile makes my day. But my feelings are like a roller coaster, I go up fast and I go up high, and then I fall down hard at the speed of light. Many times a day. And it’s just now that I’m realizing I’m actually totally okay with it. It’ll make my heart break uncountable times, but it’ll also make it easier for me to love and to be loved in return. It’ll make me sad, so incredibly, body-aching sad, but it also makes me smile uncontrollably when I see a kid blowing bubbles or when there’s a funny shaped cloud on the sky or when It’s raining at night and all the city lights look even prettier than normally. It makes me do impulsive decisions with unpredictable results. It’s far from safe but hey, I’ve always loved adventure.