I was fucking okay. I was so fucking okay for a while. I did well. I was able to take care of school, to take care of my life. I was feeling good. I was happy. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I liked my life, I liked myself.
……… until my meds stopped working.
So, here we go again with chronic insomnia.
Fuck. Fucking fuck. I’m not sure if I can handle this again.
And I can’t get a doctors appointment ‘till two months from now ‘cause they’re so damn busy
do you fucking idiots realize that two months of that shit all over again, just weeks after I thought I was getting better, is way too long time for me to handle this by myself without a) going fucking insane and getting hallucinations and shit like that again and being seriously fucked up b) ending up dead
My parents are yelling at me for being sad ‘cause two of the most important people in my life tried to kill themselves. Another one is surely going to try again, other one had liver and brain damage and lost most of her emotional connections to people and some of her memories.
”Anybody would be pissed of if they had to see someone frowning and crying at their house all the fucking week”
AND HE FUCKING KNOWS WHAT’S HAPPENED.
Also, that I’m depressed and most of the time I can just manage to hide it.
Gosh, I hate living here.
I’m not sure at all if I can take this.
There are four people who mean everything to me. The most important people in my life. Two of them wants to die. They’ve both tried to kill themselves more than ones in last couple of months. Other one of them tried to suicide yesterday.. she luckily failed. One of them is starting to have some kind of eating disorder. She’s obsessed with her weight and thinks she’s fat even though she’s skinny as a stick. One of them is fine most of the time, thank god. But… sdfghsdfgh.
I’m depressed and have anxiety myself. Oh, good luck surviving.
I feel things in a big way. When I’m sad, it qualifies as depression. When I’m happy I dance and I sing and I smile at strangers without realizing. I fall for people easily; it doesn’t take much to get me head over heals for someone. My feelings are huge, always. I’ve been wondering about how it is even possible. My dreams are big and I feel huge empathy for people I don’t even know. Making someone, anyone smile makes my day. But my feelings are like a roller coaster, I go up fast and I go up high, and then I fall down hard at the speed of light. Many times a day. And it’s just now that I’m realizing I’m actually totally okay with it. It’ll make my heart break uncountable times, but it’ll also make it easier for me to love and to be loved in return. It’ll make me sad, so incredibly, body-aching sad, but it also makes me smile uncontrollably when I see a kid blowing bubbles or when there’s a funny shaped cloud on the sky or when It’s raining at night and all the city lights look even prettier than normally. It makes me do impulsive decisions with unpredictable results. It’s far from safe but hey, I’ve always loved adventure.