I think I’m starting to get depressed again. After all this back and forth -shit, after all these times I can’t help but notice the signs.
First sleeping at night got really difficult - even with meds.
I started feeling low.
Then I started sleeping again. Pretty much all I do is sleep or lie in my bed watching sit comes. That’s all I got energy left for. I go to school when I can and I’m fine for the day but when I get home I can’t make myself do anything. Even if I wanted to do something I won’t do it ‘cause it takes too much. Too much of something that I just don’t have. Things like grocery shopping and washing my teeth get harder. It’s like, you don’t even know why but you have to use an incredible amount of energy to do things like those.
I’ve started fighting with people and later realizing I flipped out over nothing. Usually because my own insecurities that I thought I had gotten over already.
I’ve pretty much decided to cancel the whole au pair year at the states, that has been part of my life plan since I was 11. I don’t have what it takes and I can’t go there and get a phase like this. I’m not either good or well enough to do it. My life’s kind of lost it’s way.
It’s impossible to find a place where I could do my internship, it’s hard as fuck for anyone right now, there’s just not enough places. But it gets much harder when calling someone is impossible, writing an email is difficult as fuck and it’s hard to tell them how great addition to their team you would be when in fact you know you’ll just be a tired, stressed out excuse of a human being who just fucks everything up and can’t even show up at work daily.
I think there’s nothing my future can offer me when I am the way I am. And I don’t think I’m ever really going to get better. Every time I think it’s happening I end up where I started.
I’m also pretty sure I’m going to ruin my relationship because of this. I just know it.
It’s unfair as fuck.
This whole thing is unfair as duck.
I’m tired of this.