29S12E

I was fucking okay. I was so fucking okay for a while. I did well. I was able to take care of school, to take care of my life. I was feeling good. I was happy. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I liked my life, I liked myself.

……… until my meds stopped working.

So, here we go again with chronic insomnia. 

Fuck. Fucking fuck. I’m not sure if I can handle this again.

And I can’t get a doctors appointment ‘till two months from now ‘cause they’re so damn busy

do you fucking idiots realize that two months of that shit all over again, just weeks after I thought I was getting better, is way too long time for me to handle this by myself without a) going fucking insane and getting hallucinations and shit like that again and being seriously fucked up b) ending up dead

fuck. 

What a bittersweet feeling is it to burn your skin after a year of not killing butterflies

”I need your attention now. PLEASE.”

”I’m having fun now, you’ll get my attention tomorrow”

oh.

My parents are yelling at me for being sad ‘cause two of the most important people in my life tried to kill themselves. Another one is surely going to try again, other one had liver and brain damage and lost most of her emotional connections to people and some of her memories. 

”Anybody would be pissed of if they had to see someone frowning and crying at their house all the fucking week”

AND HE FUCKING KNOWS WHAT’S HAPPENED.

Also, that I’m depressed and most of the time I can just manage to hide it.

Gosh, I hate living here.

I feel things in a big way. When I’m sad, it qualifies as depression. When I’m happy I dance and I sing and I smile at strangers without realizing. I fall for people easily; it doesn’t take much to get me head over heals for someone. My feelings are huge, always. I’ve been wondering about how it is even possible. My dreams are big and I feel huge empathy for people I don’t even know. Making someone, anyone smile makes my day. But my feelings are like a roller coaster, I go up fast and I go up high, and then I fall down hard at the speed of light. Many times a day. And it’s just now that I’m realizing I’m actually totally okay with it. It’ll make my heart break uncountable times, but it’ll also make it easier for me to love and to be loved in return. It’ll make me sad, so incredibly, body-aching sad, but it also makes me smile uncontrollably when I see a kid blowing bubbles or when there’s a funny shaped cloud on the sky or when It’s raining at night and all the city lights look even prettier than normally. It makes me do impulsive decisions with unpredictable results. It’s far from safe but hey, I’ve always loved adventure. 

I’m hungry as hell and I feel dizzy and my blood sugar’s really low

but I can’t go downstairs to get anything to eat ‘cause if i do dad’s getting so fucking angry at me and starts yelling and I just really can’t take it right now

so… haha. Try yelling at me when I don’t wake up in the morning because my blood sugar had dropped too low

I’m being fucked up again.

none of you ever cared anyways ~ (:

It’s scary how insomnia slowly turns into depression.

You know the feeling when someone’s just so sad you don’t know what to say to them and all you want to do is hug them, hold them close without letting go, tell them everything is going to be alright and comfort them.. and they’re hundreds of miles away.

and all you can do is just feel bad for them and try to come up with something to say that would help? it sucks.

I’M SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT UNFOLLOWING EVERYONE WHO POSTS LOTS OF DEPRESSING STUFF.

I mean, it makes me kinda worried that somedays I feel alright or even great - until I open tumblr and see all these posts and pictures about depression, failed relationships, self-harming, suicide.. About how hard life is. They make me think about things I shouldn’t be thinking, times I’d just like to forget. They take me down with them. And now that I’m finally starting to be happy.. I won’t take even the smallest risk. 

I’m seriously recommending other people to do the same. 

It seems like a ridiculously small thing but I promise you, it’s not.